A three-act play.
CHARACTERS
Suzie: A professional-looking woman in her mid-forties, conservatively dressed and groomed.
Sadie: Suzie’s sister, younger by a couple of years. Sadie appears somewhat more casual than Suzie but is still quite conventional.
Sally: Suzie and Sadie’s sister, younger than Suzie by a couple of years. Sally is unconventional in appearance: her hair is dyed blue and she wears dark makeup; she has the look of someone who long ago dropped out of society to live a life of artistic and spiritual pursuits.
The Waiter: A young, male waiter dressed in black jeans and a black button-down shirt.
Andrew: A man in his late thirties, dressed casually—a bit young for his age—with longish hair and facial stubble. He looks like he might be in a band.
TIME
The present.
ACT I
SCENE
A nice bar, where people who don’t see each other often might meet for a drink. Suzie and Sadie are seated at a round four-top, each with a glass of white wine before them.
Suzie: Well, I’m not surprised.
Sadie [after a pause]: I’m a little bit surprised.
Suzie: You are?
Sadie: Well…
Suzie [shaking her head]: I’m telling you. It makes so much sense.
Sadie [wincing, unconvinced]: I guess it does. In a way… I don’t know.
Suzie: Can’t you see? It all adds up.
Sadie: Really?
Suzie [enumerating with her fingers]: The depression. The anxiety. The eating disorders.
Sadie [nodding in agreement]: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Suzie: The mania. The problems with her jaw.
Sadie [with a wistful little laugh]: Yeah… I guess. I see what you mean.
Suzie: No, no, no, no. I’m telling you. I had it in the back of my mind.
Sadie: You did? Really?
[Suzie nods emphatically.]
Sadie: How? I mean, how did you know specifically?
Suzie [squirming a bit, equivocating]: Hmm… well, it’s not like I knew exactly.
Sadie: OK…
Suzie: It’s impossible to know.
Sadie: Right.
Suzie: But I’m telling you. It flashed in my mind.
Sadie: It flashed? Specifically?
Suzie: Yep.
Sadie: When? Why?
Suzie: Oh, I probably first thought about it at Mom’s funeral.
Sadie [with a double take]: Mom’s funeral?
Suzie: Yeah. She was acting super weird. There was something about her that day.
Sadie: Well. Mom died.
Suzie: Yeah! Yeah, no. Something else.
Sadie: What?
Suzie: Her face. Her energy.
Sadie: Her energy?
Suzie: Her hair. Her hair!
Sadie [dully, as though lost in her memory of that day]: Her hair was weird.
Suzie: I’m telling you, I had a good look at her. I was looking at her looking at Mom.
Sadie [shuddering]: Eesh. That’s weird.
Suzie [waving dismissively]: Whatever, whatever. It was just a moment. You know how tedious the whole thing was. I started to think.
Sadie: And?
Suzie: And I thought: There is a conflict in this person.
Sadie [with mild sarcasm]: Like we never saw conflict.
Suzie [shaking her head]: Not like that. Something else. Something new. Something deeper. Something left unsaid.
Sadie: Something left unsaid to Mom?
[Suzie nods and pensively takes a sip of wine.]
Sadie: And that’s when you thought…
Suzie: That’s when I thought it might be true.
[A few moments pass as Sadie and Suzie reflect silently on what’s been said.]
Sadie: Well it does answer some questions.
Suzie [pleased, feeling justified]: See?
[A moment passes as Suzie takes a sip of wine.]
Sadie: But don’t you think we would have heard of, you know—
Suzie [interrupting]: Sadie, there’s a million things she hasn’t said. A million things she doesn’t talk about. And that was one of them.
[Sadie sighs. A few moments pass.]
Suzie: Why do you think she wants to see us after all this time?
Sadie: Right. True.
Suzie: I’m telling you. She has something to say.
[A few more moments pass.]
Sadie: I guess it’s over for whatshisname.
Suzie [barking out a laugh]: Yeah!
Sadie: Whatshisname. Michael?
Suzie: Andrew.
Sadie: Andrew! I knew it was one of those fucking guys with boring names who don’t use their fucking nickname. Michael. Peter. Patrick.
Suzie: Andrew.
Sadie: Good riddance.
Suzie [leaning back and staring quizzically at Sadie]: Really?
Sadie: Well, I mean. He had his good points and his bad points. But you know, it’s been how long?
Suzie [conceding]: Years.
Sadie: It’s been years. On again, off again years.
Suzie: And you hold him responsible for that?
Sadie: Yeah, well. He could have, you know. Been more honest about what he wanted. He could have been a little bit less of a goddamned wallflower. He could have, like, not fled to India for six months.
Suzie: You’d flee to Mars if you were her boyfriend.
Sadie: I’m just saying, maybe he could’ve stepped up a little. Jeez, I don’t know.
Suzie: It takes two to fuck up a relationship, Sade.
Sadie: Yeah. Well. I guess it’s moot now.
[A few moments pass.]
Suzie [a bit smugly]: Sadie, I only wish the best for Sally. You know that. I’ve always supported her in her…
Sadie: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Suzie: You know, the years of, you know, transcendental fucking meditation.
Sadie [smiling]: Sheesh!
Suzie: And that fucking woman, what was her name?
Sadie: That fucking guru.
Suzie: That fucking nitwit cult leader. I thought we were never going to see her again.
Sadie: Seriously.
Suzie [shaking her head]: She lost so much money on her.
Sadie: And time.
Suzie: And time! She lost a lot of money and a lot of time. What was her name again? Mother something.
Sadie: Mother May I.
Suzie: Mother Fucker.
Sadie [after a guffaw]: Mother… Moonshine?
Suzie [urgently, holding out and waving her flat hand as though to get her words in]: No, no, close, no—
Sadie [triumphantly]: Mountain!
Suzie: That’s right! That’s right. Jesus Christ, Sade. That’s right. Mother Mountain.
[Sadie and Suzie laugh a bit. Then their laughter ebbs and they rest, sort of catching their breaths.]
Suzie: What a goddamned piece of work.
Sadie: Who?
Suzie: Both of them. Sally.
Sadie: Yeah.
Suzie: But anyway. You know. That’s what I’m saying. I—we—saw her through all that. [Thinking better of it] Helped see her through all that.
Sadie: Yeah. We did. You did.
Suzie: And now—today—she’s obviously in such a better place.
Sadie: We’ll see! Hope so. We’re about to find out.
[Curtain.]
ACT II
SCENE
Same as Act I.
[Sally barges in, full of manic energy. She engages in over-the-top greetings, kisses and hugs with her sisters. Through it all, Suzie and Sadie play along but appear a little bit stiff, a little wary. As Sally finally settles down, the Waiter comes by to take her order.]
The Waiter: What can I get you, ma’am?
Sally: Oh what do I want, what do I want, what do I want?
The Waiter: Would you like to see our—
Sally [waving him off a bit comically]: Get me a martini! With olives! What do you call it, a dirty martini!
The Waiter: Sure—
Sally [suddenly, gripping her forehead]: No! Wait! I’m not in the mood for that.
The Waiter: Do you need a minute to decide?
Sally [almost angrily]: No!
The Waiter [bemused]: Alright!
Sally: What do you have that’s sweet?
The Waiter: Well, let’s see, um, lots of things, a daiquiri, a—
Julia: Get me a daiquiri!
The Waiter: Strawberry? Banan—
Julia: Strawberry. No! Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana!
The Waiter: Great! [He turns to Suzie and Sadie and indicates their half-full wine glasses with a little gesture] Are you two…? [They nod and smile and the waiter exits.]
Julia [smiling]: So! Look at you two. [Suzie and Sadie stare back glumly. Julia’s smile turns into a frown of exaggerated concern. She ducks her head and peers quizzically at each sister in turn.] Who fucking died?
[Suzie and Sadie laugh nervously.]
Sadie [ingenuously]: No one died!
Sally: Honest to fucking God, did Mom die all over again? [Sadie rolls her eyes slightly] You guys look like you saw a ghost.
Suzie: We’re fine! We’re fine. How are—
Sally: Dad?
Suzie: Well, you know Dad.
Sally: What do you mean, I know Dad?
Suzie: You know, you know how he is.
Sally [appealing to Sadie with a grimace]: What do I do with that? What am I supposed to make of that?
Sadie [with a sigh]: Sally, I think Suzie is just trying to tell you that… well, nothing. She’s not trying to tell you anything. Dad is Dad.
Sally [her voice rising, indignant]: What the hell is going on here? Why are you guys acting so weird?!
[The Waiter returns with Sally’s banana daiquiri. She thanks him, takes a big gulp, and puts it down on the table a bit too hard, so it sloshes a little out of the glass. Suzie gives her a little reproachful look as the Waiter walks away.]
Sally [to Sadie]: Tell me. [Pause. To Suzie] Tell me!
Suzie: What? What? There’s nothing to tell.
Sally: Something’s the matter with Dad.
Suzie: There’s nothing the matter with Dad! That’s not it. Dad’s fine!
Sadie [quickly]: He’s just getting old, Sally. Not getting any younger. Getting old.
Suzie: His feet. You know he keeps complaining about his feet.
Sadie: He doesn’t like to walk so much. Which is terrible for him, really.
Suzie: Terrible!
[Sally is watching their conversation like a tennis match, mouth agape.]
Sadie: It is terrible! He used to love to walk. Remember the walks we used to take behind the house?
Suzie: I used to love those walks. Into the woods. Back out into the graveyard.
Sadie: By the falls.
Suzie: By the falls, and back up the road, past the haunted house. Remember the haunted house?
Sadie: That house terrified me!
Suzie: Dad used to make up scary stories about that house.
Sadie: I know!
Suzie: You used to get so scared. You’d beg him to stop.
[Sadie shakes her head and laughs.]
Suzie [breezily, laughing a little]: Sally, do you remember the walks we used to take? You were young. Were you too young? Were you too young to remember?
Sally [dead serious]: What did you mean by that, Suzie?
Suzie [her laughter stopping abruptly]: What do you mean, what did I mean?
Sally [a little louder, angrier]: What did you mean by that?
Suzie [sighing]: Sally, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What are you talking about?
Sally [pointing at Suzie reproachfully]: You said that’s not it.
Suzie [truly bemused]: Hmm?
Sally: When we started talking about Dad. You said that’s not it. There’s nothing the matter with Dad, that’s not it. So if that’s not it, what is it?
Suzie [groaning, covering her face with her hands]: Jesus, Sally! I don’t know! Maybe it’s, I don’t know!
Sally: What?
Suzie: Jesus!
Sally: What!?
Suzie: Maybe you could call him once in a blue moon! I don’t know!
Sally [almost choking on her words]: Oh please! For fuck’s sake, Suzie! Don’t give me that fuck—
Sadie: Stop! Sally, stop! Suzie! Stop! We don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t want to talk about it. Dad’s fine. No one’s blaming you, Sally. This isn’t what we wanted to talk about.
Sally: Huh. OK. Well then why don’t you tell me what it is you wanted to talk to me about, Sadie.
Sadie: Well, it’s not that—
Sally [almost to herself]: For fuck’s sake, Sadie. Why is there always an agenda with you? Why is there always a thing to discuss? You too, Suzie. [Looking to Suzie] You’re even worse than Sadie! We can’t sit down and have a fucking drink [by way of weird demonstration, Sally takes another big sip of her drink and plonks it down with the same force as she did before], have a fucking drink, have a nice conversation. With my sisters. Is that too goddamn much to ask?
Suzie [calmly]: No it’s not, Sally. Of course it’s not. I think what Sadie is referring to—
[Sally mutters under her breath, still distracted] Sally? I think what Sade is referring to is what I take to be a bit of good news. I assume to be a bit of good news. [Winningly] From you! Good news from you.
Sally [truly perplexed]: I beg your pardon?
Suzie: Well, come on. It’s big news, right? I mean, good news! Good news too! I assume?
Sadie: We have some questions, obviously, but—
Suzie: We are going to have some questions. Naturally. But it’s good news, Sally, I was happy for you. I am happy for you. And I—we [glancing towards Sadie]—want you to know that you have our fullest support.
Sally [with a double take]: Fullest support?
Suzie [nodding genially]: Regarding your, uh… what do you call it?
Sadie: Announcement?
Suzie: Announcement!
Sally: Guys. Announcement where? What the fuck are you even talking about?
Suzie [now beginning to grow confused herself]: OK. The announcement you made last night? [Pause] On Facebook?
Sally: On Facebook?! I barely ever fucking use Facebook!
Suzie [now really confused]: Well, uh… did you use it… last night?
[Sally grabs her phone, which she had placed on the table beside her drink, and frantically navigates to Facebook. After a few moments, she reads something and lets out a piercing, panicked scream. Curtain.]
ACT III
SCENE
Same as the close of Act II.
Sally [addressing both sisters]: How could you even imagine that was real?
Suzie [cowed]: I don’t know, Sally. I don’t know anything about hacking. What am I supposed to think? I don’t know.
Sally [shaking her head. She looks to Sadie]: I just can’t believe both of you would think that.
Sadie: I know. I know!
Suzie [to Sadie]: Oh come on! You believed it too.
Sadie [defensively]: I’m not saying I didn’t! I’m not saying anything. [Sadie covers her face with her hands, as though she wants to disappear.]
Sally: Guys, you make me laugh.
Suzie [embarrassed]: OK, Sally. OK. OK. We get it.
Sally: One little fucking stupid thing on Facebook and all of a sudden my own sisters don’t know me anymore.
Suzie [under her breath]: Oh we know you.
Sally [loudly]: You don’t know me for shit!
Suzie: We know you all too well.
Sally: Suze! God damnit!
Suzie: Forgive me for fucking speaking the truth for five goddamned minutes. Sorry. [She takes a sip of her wine.]
Sally: Oh you are such a cunt.
Suzie: That’s enough, Jul—
Sally [her voice rising, taking the opportunity to indignantly make a point]: No, that’s not enough, Suzie! You always do this! You always tell me enough. It’s not enough!
Suzie [quietly, with weary sarcasm]: It’s never enough.
Sally [loudly, proudly]: That’s it! That’s it, Suzie! IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. [Sally stands up and pounds her hand on the table for emphasis] I! WANT! MORE!
Suzie [facetiously]: More drugs?
Sally: YES!
Suzie: More love? More attention?
Sally: YES! YES!
Suzie: More food? More drink?
Sally: YES! YES!
Suzie: More chaos? More destruction?
Sally [standing up on her chair now]: YES!!
Sadie [cradling her forehead in her hand]: Sal, my God.
Sally [pointing at Sadie from her perch on her chair]: And you! You’re always fucking agreeing with Suzie!
Sadie [indignantly]: That’s not true!
Sally [leaning down toward Sadie’s face, tauntingly]: Grow a pair of balls!
Sadie: Get the fuck down from the chair!
[Sally stays up on the chair. She tries putting her hands on her hips in a somewhat defiant posture, but soon hangs them again at her side. A few moments pass and her position becomes increasingly ludicrous. Finally she clambers back down and sits on the chair. Sadie shakes her head and makes a dismissive sigh. A few more moments pass. Sally seems to calm down a bit, like she’s been satisfied.]
Sally [checking her watch]: You know the funny thing is?
[Suzie and Sadie peer at her warily.]
Sally: The funny thing is, it’s ironic. It really is! [She looks around genially.]
Suzie [sarcastically]: Uh-huh.
Sally: Suze, I know you’re upset right now, but I’m not kidding.
Suzie: Whatever.
[Sally nods very rapidly, grinning exaggeratedly, a bit cartoonishly. Suzie contemplates saying something reproachful for a moment but then her face falls and she starts laughing. After a moment Sadie starts laughing too. Bit by bit, Sally joins in the laughter. A few moments pass.]
Sally: Any minute now!
Sadie: What?
Sally: Any minute now. You’ll see.
[Sadie and Suzie look at each other, bemused. A few moments pass. Enter Andrew. Sadie and Suzie look up at him, surprised. They get up and greet him in turn, saying “Hi Andrew!” and making chit-chatty remarks about how they didn’t expect to see him here and what a nice surprise it is. Andrew sits down beside Sally and they hold hands, smiling widely.]
Sally: So!
Suzie: Here we are!
Sally: Here we are! And… [Sally looks toward Andrew and he looks at her; they gaze lovingly in each other’s eyes for a moment. To Suzie and Sally, trying to suppress some emotion in her voice] There’s a reason I wanted to get together with you two today. Andrew and I have an announcement. [A moment or two pass. Sally is visibly becoming more emotional; she can barely keep from crying. Looks of anticipation and wonder take hold of Suzie and Sally’s faces.] Andrew and I are getting married!
[Curtain.]